You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
