I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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