Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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