Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize