so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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