so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
