The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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