I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
