I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
