My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
