I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
