I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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