when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
