I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
