he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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