Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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