You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
