I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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