yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
