drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
