I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize