I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Oh god it's open bar.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
