I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I want to make a zoo with you.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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