I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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