Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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