How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
