Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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