I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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