Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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