She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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