I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
