Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
