he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
