I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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