i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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