I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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