goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
