I hate your face
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
