Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
