I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
