somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
