this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
