well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
