Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize