you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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