I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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