I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You took a bar mat shot.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
