Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
