24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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