By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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