I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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