What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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