:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
