I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
