someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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